why did apple butter make me cry?

I stumbled upon a recipe for apple butter today on someone's blog and once I finished reading it, I ran out and bought the ingredients and settled into my kitchen. Actually, no! I sat looking at the pictures of the yummy "butter" and cried.

Why?

Maybe it's because I've been isolated from the world for the past two days - in the bed with a sinus infection. Or maybe it's hormones - don't we ladies blame everything on that?!? The truth is that for some reason, this recipe made me feel very lonely. The person writing the recipe just made it sound like more fun if you were making it with someone!

How desperately I wished my Mom was just down the road so we could experiment with this recipe together. So many times I have longed to live closer to my parents so we could share daily life together! I would love to call them up and invite them over for dinner. Or drop the girls off to run to the grocery store. Or call Dad up and "us" start a new project together. I miss them all the time, but today more than most.

Then I started missing my Beth and my Jen. I have two of the most amazing best friends in the world! The kind of friends that will drive over 10 hours to show up -as a surprise - for your 30th birthday. The kind of best friends you see in movies and wonder if that kind of friendship is possible! The kind of friends that will make you laugh until you cry and then make you cry because they have helped you see the ugly sin in your life. I would love to make apple butter with them, too.

And even though it was a difficult season of our life, I miss living with my in-laws. I miss the comfort of their home and their company! I miss eating dinner with them and sharing life with them. I am blessed to have in-laws that I love and appreciate dearly! And I know my mother-in-law would make super apple butter!

I suppose today was a day that the "newness" of our life here glared me in the face. I felt like an outsider today and wished for something familiar and comforting. I know these days will pass and soon this will feel like home. But for now, I will dream of sitting in Mom's kitchen, slicing up pounds of apples while the kids play outside with Grandpa in his workshop.