the most amazing love

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a sucker for a good romantic movie.  Just ask my husband...he's sat through more that he'd like to admit.

But I'm afraid those movies have done us women more harm than we realize.  They have completely and totally distorted how we view true love.

Without realizing it, somewhere in the back of our minds, we've come to think that "true" love must be laced with intense drama, heartbreak, highs, lows, stop-you-at-the-altar-right-before-you-marry-the-mediocre-guy, chase-you-through-Manhatten-on-a-motorcycle, run-through-the-train-station-and-get-down-on-one-knee, over the top kinds of moments!!

Somewhere in the midst of all the Hollywood hype, we've lost appreciation and respect for the quiet, steady, constant love of a man committed to his wife and family.

Over the years, I've been blessed to experience and observe this kind of quiet, committed love in many different ways.

But one story is worth sharing...

It's the love between a man and a woman who married young.  Very young.  She, at the age of 15 kind of young.

Everyone said they'd never make it.  They didn't care.  They loved each other.  

The first time she ever met him, she was standing in a kitchen sink painting.  His first pick up line..."Do you date?"

She told me how he almost didn't make it to their wedding on time because he was fixing his car.  But he did show up and they married on a Sunday afternoon with him in a new suit and she in her new lizard shoes.  

She told me stories of how they'd sit in their house with one light hanging down in the middle of the room, hovered around a radio, listening to the Grand Ole Opry.  

She told me how they would play checkers with a board he had made and bottle caps he had saved.

She told me how they'd go to Fruit Basket Dances at friends' houses.  

She told me how he had only made her mad, I mean really mad, one time.  And how he did everything he could to make it right.

She told me how they had raised 4 children together through good times and bad and had lived to see a slew of grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

He was a man, a quiet man, that was committed to the Lord, his wife and his family.  He worked hard day after day to provide for them.  

He would never make it as the lead man in any movie and would have never graced the cover of any novel.  (He did, however, have such beautiful blue eyes...)  And his slanted, left-handed writing wouldn't have penned any words to be passed down through the ages.

But he had the love of one woman...my grandmother.  His baby.  

I don't think I ever, ever heard him call her by any other name.  She was his baby.

I was blessed to watch her hold his hand when he crossed over from death to life.  As he was being ushered into eternity by his Savior, she was stroking his head.  She never left his side during those days of suffering.  She, suffering herself, stayed beside him.  She wiped his face.  She brushed his hair.  

And even in his most delirious of moments, he would search the room for his Baby.  He wanted her by his side.  And by his side was where she stayed.

I saw in the hospital room that week, day after day, true love.  Real love.  Committed, quiet, last-forever kind of love. 

No, not a love that would make it on the big screen, but an amazing kind of love that runs deep and can't even be parted by death. 

adoption questions answered

Several posts ago, I said I'd answer "those" questions when I was feeling brave.

Well I don't know that "brave" is what I'm feeling, but here we go...

I'm going to answer and address the two most popular questions and criticisms for those of us who are adopting internationally.  But let me offer a disclaimer first...

I am only speaking for myself and my family.  I don't dare claim to be an expert on this topic, nor am I disillusioned enough to think I represent everyone who has ever adopted.

1.  Why would you adopt a child from another country when there are so many here in the United States that need adopting?

Hmm....  Well, this is by far the greatest criticism we receive when we share with others that we're adopting internationally.  Sometimes people will ask us this directly, but it usually comes in the form of a sideways question but you know exactly what they're implying.  So...let me do my best to answer this for us.  

• We are fully convicted that the Gospel eliminates country boundaries.  There is no "ours" and "theirs."  ALL are made in the imagine of God and all were declared very good by our Creator.  (Genesis 1)
• We believe that God calls the Christian to care for orphans here in the US and in every single country on the map.
• Do we support domestic adoption?  Absolutely. 110%.  Without any hesitation at all...we support families who adopt from our great country! YES! YES!
• We don't believe, however, that one "type" of adoption (domestic or international) trumps the other.  All are orphans.  All are to be cared for.
• So why are we adopting (again!) from another country?  I don't have a very profound answer.  God has just given us a burden for those in orphanages in other countries.  Many years ago He started breaking our hearts for the babies and children in those conditions and has led us in that direction.  It's really not any more complex than that.  
• Conclusion:  We are Christ followers first, American second.  Where He leads, we follow.    

2.  If you can't afford to adopt, why would you?  Why are you asking others to pay for your adoption?

Ah... the money question...

• Let me first assure the skeptics out there...we are not sitting around on our duff hoping someone drops money in our lap!  We have made some major changes and cuts to our budget, have taken on odd jobs here and there, are using our savings, and doing EVERY. SINGLE. THING. WE. CAN. to pay for this ourselves!  So please be assured that we are working hard to that end!
• International adoption can cost anywhere from $25,000 to $40,000.  Yes, it's crazy ridiculous.  Yes, there is a lot of red tape and bureaucracy and (in our opinion) unnecessary costs involved.  Yes, it makes us sick that it cost that much to give a child a forever home.  But, as my Daddy would say, it is what it is.   You can't turn a deaf ear or blind eye to the millions of orphans all over the world just because you don't support the process.  At least we can't.  
• We stand by something we've shared before and will continue to share...ADOPTION IS NOT JUST FOR THE WEALTHY, IT'S FOR THE CALLED.  Aren't you thankful that those with an extra $30,000 sitting around aren't the only ones adopting?!?  If that were the case, can you imagine how much more sickening the already devastating orphan crisis would be??  
• Those who are followers of Christ are part of a larger picture.  Part of a body to be exact (1 Corinthians).  So there are times when the Lord calls someone to a task and the body should joyfully come alongside them for support.  Not always, but sometimes that support is financial.  Hmm... that always stirs up a certain amount of controversy...  

Well, I think that about covers it!  Of course there are many other concerns and criticisms, but those seem to be the most popular.  My desire in writing this was to simply shed some light on our convictions and our hearts' desire. 

Our prayer is that through this process, but more importantly through our life, God will receive all the praise and glory that He is due.  

**I'd love to hear your thoughts, concerns or feedback on this.  I think.  Maybe.  My skin isn't very thick, so maybe only nice thoughts.  :) **

grieving a loss...

She came into our living room last night, clearly shaken, overwhelmed, confused and struggling...

"Baby, what's wrong?  What's got you so upset?"

My precious 10 year old had questions about certain "words" and "phrases" and "situations."

Yep... those words, those phrases, and those situations.

Apparently some kids at school were discussing certain topics that my 10 year old was completely oblivious to. And believe me, her naivety was very intentional on her Dad and Mom's behalf!

We are very, very careful about what our kiddos watch, listen to, see on the internet and who they spend time with.  It's not by mistake that I've been labeled a helicopter parent - ya know, one that hovers over her children!

So there are certain topics and words that we have not introduced to our oldest yet because we felt she wasn't ready.  She's only 10 for crying out loud!!

So you can imagine the furry that welled up inside me when some kid at school decided she was ready...

There's no need for detail, but praise GOD, she wasn't too scarred or confused by what she heard.  She just had questions and we did our best to answer them in a way that we felt was appropriate without confusing her more but bringing peace to her little mind.

I knew the day was coming, but we, her parents, planned to be the initiator of those conversations.

And what I'm grieving is the loss of my little girl.

As she was talking, this is what I saw...

...my precious, blue-eyed, naive little baby.  My first-born. 

And it feels like I lost that last night.  

Her eyes have been opened to things that are only for those leaving child-hood and entering into the next season of life.  She now has questions and burdens that are not associated with being a little girl...

And it grieves me to my core.

I know this transition is normal, natural and even praise-worthy!  But it still hurts.

And it brings up a constant struggle we have of finding balance for our kids...

You see, as parents who are committed to raising your children in a way that honors God and the truth of His word, it's always hard to know how much your children should be exposed to.  Some use this struggle to justify their choice for public school, private school and homeschool.  It's a big deal...

And I've got to be perfectly honest here....If I could, I would move my family to a house on a mountain and only come down a few times a year for food.  I would isolate us from the rest of the world and live in a happy, safe Brown Family Bubble!

But we all know that's not reality.  And...it makes us completely useless for advancing the gospel...which is our purpose as Christians, right?!

So since my bubble theory doesn't seem to pan out, I cling to something a very wise lady once told me...

You can't isolate your children from the world, so you insulate them with the Word of God.

Face it parent, your children are going to be exposed to sin and corruption (although I understand the desire for that exposure to be on your terms. Believe me, I do!) so the only peace we can have, as parents, is to make sure they are fully insulated with the truth found in scripture.

Teach it to your kids.

Study it with your kids.

Memorize it with your kids.

And live it out in front of your kids.

After my baby went to bed last night, I looked at Lee and said, "What do we do?"

Praise the Lord for my amazing, godly husband who is my voice of wisdom when emotions have the best of me. (See, I was ready to call the school this morning and tell them she'd never be back. Ever. I even looked into homeschool for college.)

He looked at me and simply said, "We redeem it."

Wow.

We use the beauty of God's Word to teach our babies how God can make right what the world has made wrong.

We use the beauty of God's Word to show our babies how God intended things to be and how we, as Christians, fight to redeem that in a lost and fallen world.  

encouragement (hopefully!) for the weary mom

I was sitting in an interview with our social worker for the adoption and she began asking those questions you hate to answer...

"Describe yourself in 3 words."

"What's your greatest struggle?"

"How would your friends and family describe you?"

Ugh - I can not stand to answer those kinds of questions!  I mean really...I'm sitting in an office with a lady that has a large amount of control over this adoption process...is that really an environment for which one should feel comfortable airing their dirty laundry?!?

Then she started asking questions that were more manageable...

"How would you describe your family growing up?"

"What is your relationship with your parents like?"

"Describe your mom."

Those I can do.  And after I answered the one about Mom, I began thinking about myself in light of how my mother parented me...

{Side note:  I didn't ask my mom for permission to share this stuff so I hope she's ok with it!  Love you Mom!}

Over the summer, I was down visiting my parents for a few days with my kiddos.  Somehow, my girls stumbled upon some of my old toys, crafts, yearbooks, cheerleading uniforms, and some other treasures from my childhood.  They found all of it stuffed in a trunk in my parents' attic.

My girls laughed and played with those things for hours and I had so much fun watching them enjoy things I enjoyed as a girl.

Later they looked at some old family photos.  They found these tossed into a box in a hutch somewhere.

Here's the reality of how my Mom was when my brother and I were growing up...

She would have never been Pinterest approved.  Never.  Ever.

• Our snacks never had a theme and our lunch was never color coordinated.  As a matter of fact, I remember eating vienna sausages right out of the can.  What?!?  
• Our school & craft projects were never dated or tucked neatly away in crates with colored folders.
• Our birthday parties would've never showed up on Facebook for all to admire.

But here's the reality...

I would argue anyone to my death that I have the BEST MOTHER ever!  I really do.  She's full of love and compassion.  She listens and cares and loves deeply!  I have always been very close to my Mom (both of my parents actually!)  and am proud to call her one of my best friends.

Even as a teenager, she and I never had any major disagreements like so many do.  And...get ready for this one...we never argued a single time while planning my wedding. What?!

I adore my Mom and I have never ever felt slighted because my childhood memories aren't nestled away in a Pinterest-approved type of get up.  And it sure didn't hinder my girls from getting a glimpse into their Mommy's past.

Most moms are super defensive and critical and that's not my point at all, so before you crafty, super organized, Pinterest-perfect Moms get frustrated and go on the defense, hear me out...

I'm the opposite of my mom on most of those things mentioned above.  I really am... and it's kind of funny that I turned out that way!

For fear of sounding boastful,  I won't list specific things I do that Mom didn't do!  Just trust me... we're different!

Here's the truth though...I'm no better at being Mom because I keep color coordinated files of my children's school work.

And she's no better because she didn't.

I genuinely enjoy my label maker and files and big birthday parties -  that's why I do it!  It's fun to me!  Some of you moms don't care a thing about that....and that's ok!  It really is!

I suppose my point is this...

You were knit together by our Creator in a certain way.  Your unique ways play out in the exhausting, overwhelming, guilt-producing world of Mommy-hood!  

So find rest, weary Mom...

The Lord knew what He was doing when He gifted you in certain ways.  And it's ok if your gifts and interests are different than your neighbors, your Facebook friends and your sister-in-law!

It really is ok - this coming from one type of mom that was raised by a completely different type of mom!  

grace.

grace
/grās/, noun

1.  the free and unmerited favor of God

I couldn't help but chuckle the other day when someone said to me, "Man, you have such amazing faith to be going through this adoption process.  I wish I could trust God like that."

Really?!?

Well, my friend, let me pull back the veil on my unbelief...

There are days when I'm not walking by faith, but fear.  Fear that it's not all going to come together.  Fear that the funds won't be there.  

Fear that our special needs child will require more than I know how to give.  

Fear of the many judgements of those that don't support what we're doing.  Yes, we know y'all are out there...

Fear because we were praying for more envelopes to be claimed.  

Fear that our son won't adjust to our family.  Fear that my 3 precious kiddos won't adjust to him.

Fear that it just won't happen.  

Every day I open the mail with great expectation as the envelopes from our fundraiser have started arriving.  (Side note - I thank God for each of you, by name, that have given!)

Today I opened the mail only to receive a nice bill from when Sam was in the hospital last month.  I was immediately gripped with fear when I saw how much we owed.  I mean seriously, how much did those banana popsicles cost that they fed him all night?!?

Shall I go on or do you get what I'm saying about the constant struggles with fear and doubt?

Yes, I have days when my faith seems so tangible, so real, so strong.  And for those days, I'm thankful.

But on the other days, I have to cling to this truth, even though my emotions and feelings are SO VERY far from it...

God's grace covers my unbelief.  God's grace covers my fears.  God's grace covers my doubt.

I am confessing this because I am asking for you to pray for our family as we journey down this road again.   I believe strongly in being transparent and honest and vulnerable.  So this is me, telling you, that we covet your prayers.  

be still my soul, the Lord is on your side

this is unbelievable...

I'm super excited about our first fundraiser for the adoption and I really think the result is UNBELIEVABLE!!

This is how it goes..

**WE'RE SIMPLY ASKING YOU TO TAKE AN ENVELOPE**

We have a basket of 150 numbered envelopes (#1-#150)  that we're hoping to be claimed. 

Here's what will happen if you say "YES" to an envelope...

1.  I will send you a self-addressed, stamped envelope with a number on it ranging from 1-150.

2.  You will place the coordinating dollar amount in your envelope and drop it in the mail. (For example, if you get envelope #37, you'd put in a check for $37.00)

3.  The checks will be made payable to our agency, NOT US!! (Bethany Christian Services.)  We are - IN NO WAY- hoping to benefit personally from this, or any fundraiser, we're doing.  ALL the money goes directly to our agency.

SO...how do I get a number??

1.  You can simply say "send me an envelope" and we (probably one of my munchkins) will draw it out of the basket.  It will be totally random but you'll be assured that IT WON'T BE OVER 150.  

2. OR request an range.  For example, tell me to send you an envelope ranging from numbers 10-20 or 50-60 or something like that.  (This has been the most popular way so far.)

3.  OR request a specific envelope number.  

*You can donate the money as an individual or get a group to join you - a sunday school class, small group or friends!

****THE UNBELIEVABLE PART***

***THE AMAZING PART****  

If all 150 envelopes are claimed, we'll raise over $11,000!!!

WHOA!! I find that absolutely crazy!!  My skeptical self did the math a few times because I just couldn't believe it!  But it's true!

So we pray that you'll say YES to an envelope and help MAKE ONE LESS ORPHAN!!

*You can send me a Facebook message

*You can email me - mindybrown25@gmail.com

*You can leave a comment at the end of this post

Please just let us know your mailing address and if you'd like to request a range, a specific number or get a random envelope.  

EVERY SINGLE ENVELOPE MATTERS!!  ALL of them - from #1 all the way to #150 - so please don't hesitate because you need to request a low range of numbers.  

**And please feel free to pass this along to anyone you know that has a heart for adoption and a heart for helping make one less orphan**

thank you, thank you, thank you

Brown...party of 6

"We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names.  They are easier to ignore before you see their faces.  It is easier to pretend they are not real before you hold them in your arms.  But once you do, everything changes."  -David Platt

To say that "everything changed" would be a ridiculous understatement for our family.  

When we brought our Sam home in March of 2011, we had no idea how our lives would be completely altered.  Wrecked, really.  And in the absolute best way ever.  We had no idea that the passion that burned strong in us to care for orphans would be ignited into a roaring flame.

It's true - we can ignore the orphans of the world.  We can look away from the images.  We can enjoy our comfortable and secure life without a thought, much less a burden, for the "fatherless."

the orphanage in Korea where Sam was

But once you see them.  And once you hold them.  And once you stare at a room full of beds with babies - babies that have probably not been held in days or weeks or even months - everything changes.

And it's safe to say that change came for every member of our family.

Even our sweet girls began to feel the burden of caring for orphans and began asking {over & over} when we could adopt again.  

We knew, almost immediately, that we desperately wanted to travel the road of adoption again, but just didn't know when or how or where.  

And honestly, we still don't know much.

But I do want to fill you in on the very few details we have because so many have asked...

*We have been approved for the China Special Needs Program.  This does mean our child will have some sort of special need or disability. To quote our agency..."The special needs of the children vary from minor, correctable medical issues, such as cleft lip/palate, to more significant, lifelong needs, such as Down syndrome or cerebral palsy."  We are a part of the minor special needs program.  

* We are requesting a boy that will be between 6 and 24 months.  Our understanding is that our request should be easily met.  

*The time frame varies depending on how quickly we move.  In a perfect world - ha! - we could bring our son home in 12-14 months. 

These are just a few of the details for now.  However, the only certainties of adoption are the uncertainties!  So we'll continue to walk by faith.

Unfortunately, our biggest mountain will be the same as it was last time - the finances. 

But Lee and I agree with something we've been told recently - adoption is not for the wealthy, it's for the called.  

So we invite you, family and friends, to join us again on this journey.  I ask that you begin praying with us and for us and for our son.  We're excited to see how the Lord works.  

But we are also a little anxious.  And a little nervous.  And a little fearful.

But A LOT HOPEFUL...

"...Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."

Isaiah 43: 1-3

saying I'm sorry

Any parenting advice worth its weight (from a book, blog or person) should include these words:

be ready to apologize to your children when you do wrong

That advice, however, can be one of those "easier said than done" kinds of things.  

Saying "I'm sorry" {to your babies or to a friend} is tough stuff because it forces you to not only see your ugly sinful heart, but to then admit it to someone else.  Our pride pushes pretty hard against that.  

And when your kiddos are involved, it can be even more difficult...

There are days when my patience is just non-existent.  I find myself feeling frustrated and aggravated by things that are really just "typical kid behavior." 

Now we're not talking about disobedient behavior here. We're talking "But Mom, I wanted the princess plate and she took it." Or "Mom, but I don't want to wear those shoes (as we're rushing out the door 5 minutes late already)." Or my favorite - "Mommy, I just spilled my juice...again...all over the floor you just mopped."  

Many days I'm able to smile and say "it's ok, accidents happen." But some days I have these crazy expectations that my 3, 7 & 9 year old should be able to function like adults and the end result is me loosing my temper and acting like the wicked step-mother.

And then the "mommy guilt" sets in.  If you are a mom, whether it's to one child or 8 children, whether your babies are 6 months or 26, you know what "mommy guilt" is.  Ugh.

In my short years of parenting, here's what I've come to realize...

Those moments are going to happen!  Go ahead and accept the reality - You. Are. Going. To. Loose. Your. Patience.  

You just are!  Don't get sucked into facebook and blog world by these moms who lead you to believe that every single parenting moment is pure bliss!  It just ain't so...

The "defining" moment is what you do after you realize that you've had one of those ugly spells.  Do you brush it off as just a bad day and assume that your kids aren't affected by your behavior?  Or do you go to them and apologize for your behavior?

Just today, I got frustrated with my Ellee girl while I was braiding her hair.  She is so very particular about every single strand of hair and this morning I just wasn't up to dealing with it.  Now I didn't realize that until I talked to her way more harshly than her behavior actually warranted.  

After she walked out of my room in tears, I was gripped with conviction over how I had treated her.  

I called her back in and told her how sorry I was for the way I had talked to her and asked her for forgiveness.  Of course that sweet child said it was ok and snuggled up to me and melted my heart.  Those big, brown eyes...

Not 10 minutes later, I heard her fussing at her brother for who-knows-what!!!  Sam is very skilled in how to annoy her and get under her 7 year old skin!  After giving him the run around for a minute {or two...or three} there was a long pause.  Then I heard Ellee repeat the words to Sam that she had just heard - "Sam, I'm sorry for talking like that to you.  I shouldn't do that.  Please forgive me."

Wow. 

They are listening.  They are absorbing.  They are mimicking.

Demonstrate humility.  Say I'm sorry.   And ask for grace.

grace, grace, God's grace

grace that will pardon and cleanse within

grace, grace, God's grace

grace that is greater than all our sin

praying for my husband

Not long after Lee and I got married, I was given a list of specific ways wives can pray for their husbands.  My commitment to praying through this list has been somewhat sporadic over the years, but the Lord has brought me back to this lately as He has shown me the importance of praying for my husband - especially in his new role.  I wanted to share some of the things on the list as a way to encourage other wives to be faithful in praying for their man...

1.  Show me how to demonstrate a reverent spirit to my husband and honor him as the head of our home.  1 Peter 3:2

2.  Show me how to demonstrate a grateful spirit toward my husband for how he has benefitted my life.  1 Thessalonians 5:18

3.  Remind me daily of loving ways that I can serve my husband to help him be successful in all his roles.  Mark 10:44

4.  Pour out Your grace on me, and enable me to have a meek and quiet spirit that can only come from You.  1 Peter 3:1-6

5.  May my husband be a man, according to Your will, that loves You with all his heart, soul, mind and strength, and may he love his neighbor as himself.  Mark 12:29-30

6.  I pray that I will love him with an abiding, faithful love as long as we live and that he would dwell with me according to knowledge, understanding how God created me as a woman.  Ephesians 5:25-31; 1 Peter 3:7

7.  Lord, make my husband a mighty man of valor, one prudent in speech, a man of whom others would say,"...the Lord is with him." 1 Samuel 16:18

8.  Let him be like Daniel, a man who would not defile himself with what the world offered, and that he would hate evil and not desire that which is forbidden.  Daniel 1:8; Colossians 3:15

9.  Grant my husband favor and compassion in the sight of those in authority over him.  Daniel 1:9

10.  Father, please keep Your hedge of protection around him today, keeping him from the strange woman and give him the grace to make and keep a covenant with his eyes and I pray that I would meet his needs spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Job 1:10, 31:1; Proverbs 7; 1 Corinthians 7:1-6

11.  Give him wisdom in managing finances, and remind him to be faithful in giving to the Lord and others.  1 Timothy 5:8, 6:10; 2 Corinthians 9:7

12.  Help him to open his mouth "to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel." Ephesians 6:19

13.  May I be an encouragement to him daily, and bless him with Your peace.  Hebrews 3:13; Philippians 4:7

14.  Father, may he not walk in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stand in the way of sinners, nor sit in the seat of the scornful.  May he delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night.  May he be like a tree that is planted by the stream, one in which the leaves will not wither and may he prosper in whatever he does.  Psalm 1:1-3

***************************

the hardest 1st day of school...for this mamma

Every year on the kiddos first day of school, I cry.  I always have.  But then again, I cry easily.  I get it from Mom.

This year was different.  Today was the first day of school for my girls and I haven't just been crying, I've been squalling like a baby.  This year has been difficult because we're new to this town and still feel like strangers.

{I'm sure the tears shed today were ones building up from this "life change" that we've experienced over the past month....today just seemed like a "good" day to let the flood gates open!}

When we walked in to the school this morning, we were greeted by a sea of unfamiliar faces.  I looked around desperately hoping to see someone that I recognized.  Of course I came up short.

I began fighting tears.  You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach and the burning in your nose you get when you're trying to hold back tears?  That's how I immediately felt.

We walked Ellee to her class, met her teacher and got her settled in her chair.

Everything in me wanted to pull the teacher aside and make sure she understood just how important that brown eyed girl with the contagious laugh was.

Instead, I kissed Ellee,  said "I love you" and walked away.

My heart was aching.  I had just left my baby with a total stranger, surrounded by total strangers, in a strange building and she didn't even know where the bathroom was.

And I had to do it again.

We found Addie's teacher and I really wanted to give her the same speech about my precious, sensitive girl that I was "allowing" her to teach for a while.  

But Lee gently led me out the door and into the parking lot.  People looked at my tear streaked face and swollen eyes.  One lady even said, "She'll be ok, I promise."

Lee and I sat in the car and debated on driving away.  Maybe we should just sit there and wait for the day to end.

We drove away.  Why was it so hard to leave those girls?

Hours later, I was still upset and went to see my hubby at work.  He held me while I cried some more and then he read this to me from "The Gospel Coalition" website:

Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
You are a gift of God to your husband and your kids.
But you don’t always feel that way, do you?
There’s a low-level feeling of guilt that creeps into your heart from time to time. Sometimes it bubbles over into tears, usually on lonely, difficult days.
You scan blogs and read books about being a good mom. You find some helpful tidbits here and there, often from women who are grandmothers now. Women you can learn from but who seem to have forgotten the struggle. They seem to have it all together.
In your heart, you want to be the kind of mom who trains up kids to make a difference for the kingdom. You know it’s an honor to be entrusted with these kids. You know you’ve only got one shot. You want to be the mom who teaches them the Bible, models how to pray, and trains them up in the fear of the Lord.
But most of the time you feel like you’re barely holding it all together.
Your house cleaning can’t keep up with your kids’ mess-making.
The kids embarrass you by acting up right when your guests arrive.
Your husband doesn’t get just how worn out you are by the end of the day.
You come to the end of your patience. You lose your temper. Then you feel worse.
The last thing you consider yourself to be is a “good mom.” And you think to yourself, It’ll be a miracle if my kids turn out okay.And – surprisingly – that’s right where God wants to meet you. The place where you admit your powerlessness and your need for Him.
It’s only by God’s grace that any kid grows up to be a force for the kingdom.
You see, there are no perfect kids and no perfect mothers. No matter what you read in blogs, see in magazines, and learn in books. There are sinful kids and sinful moms and dads.
And the only thing greater than both is the grace of God. The God who says “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The God who loves to forgive, to transform, and empower.
God loves you – not because you are a good mother but just because you are His precious child.
God loves you – not because you’ve mastered all the skills of parenting but because He has.
It’s divine grace that will transform your parenting – not guilt.
It’s grace that will keep you going and serving and scrubbing when you’re exhausted and worn out.
It’s grace that will conquer your feelings of inadequacy and remind you of God’s love for you in Christ.
It’s grace that goes for the heart of your kids, not just their behavior.
God has demonstrated the fullness of His love for you through the cross of His Son, even while you were still a sinner.
He has promised you His presence.
He has spoken His approval over you in Christ.
He is the perfect Father who delights in you as a daughter.
Find in Him your Treasure and Joy. Be to others what He is to you.
So walk in freedom. Let Him hold you together when everything seems to be falling apart.
Bask in His unfailing love for you. And rest in His promise of power.

I'm so thankful that my husband knows how to comfort me when I'm struggling.

He knows to point me to Jesus, the only One that can truly bring comfort and peace when you are feeling desperate and hopeless.

****************

Well, I'm off to pick up my girls.  Yes, I do realize that I'll be about an hour early.  Cut me some slack...at least I didn't sit in the parking lot all day! :)

the monotony of motherhood

If you've ever taken the time to read the back of a shampoo bottle, you'll see these words...wash, rinse, repeat.

Some days, as a mother, I feel this way. But mine would look more like this...clean, feed, repeat.

My days are {generally} filled with sippy cups, diapers, snacks, squinkies, crumbs, and dishes. And let's not even discuss the amount of laundry my sweet family of 5 can produce!

The truth is that motherhood can begin to feel monotonous when day after day, week after week, you are consumed with needy people under 4 feet tall. Let's face it - young children are very dependent and need us for everything...from wiping their nose (and other things!) to fixing their lunch to picking out their clothes.

Having babies forces you to stare your selfishness in the face! I didn't realize how stingy I was with my time, my sleep and my privacy until it was abducted by my munchkins.

But here's the reality of biblical mommy-hood...we have the privilege of not just teaching our kids the gospel, but actually living out the gospel to our babies every single day!

We can demonstrate God's grace to them by loving them when they're unlovable and by being patient with them when we're at our wits end! We can be "slow to anger" and "quick to listen."

we. can. be. the. Gospel.

And that is a privilege that I wouldn't forfeit for anything in this world - no job, no amount of money or luxuries could compare to the joy of being the gospel to my children every day!

Rachel Jankovic on her blog (desiringGod.com) says...

Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.

You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.

So the next time I step in an unknown liquid substance on the floor, or read that book for the 5th time in a day, or unload yet another round of clean dishes, or trip on another matchbox car, I pray that God will pour out His grace to me so that, even through the monotony, I can pour out that grace to my kiddos!

avoiding Pinterest

For months now, I've avoided Pinterest. (For those who don't know, Pinterest is defined as "an online pinboard - a place to organize and share things you love.") Quite a few people have hyped it up to me and are convinced that it's something I'd love. I've not been able to put my finger on why I'm avoiding it, but it seems like the reason was brought to light in my mind this morning...

I was listening to a podcast of a sermon entitled "Learning Contentment." I've heard dozens of sermons regarding the topic of contentment, but the Lord used this particular one to show me some ugliness in my own heart and life. That's always exciting, huh?? (Insert a large dose of sarcasm!)

I confess - I struggle with being content. Please tell me that I'm not alone. Please tell me that someone reading this is shaking their head in agreement.

Here's my favorite definition of contentment from Jeremiah Burroughs, a Purtian preacher - “Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God's wise and fatherly disposal in every condition.”

Maybe it's lack of contentment in the material - wishing for a bigger house with a bigger closet so you didn't have to change out your clothes for the season. Or better yet, just wishing you had a large enough wardrobe to warrant this a problem!

Perhaps the discontentment goes much deeper. Maybe it stems from the relationships in your life...or the lack there of. Possibly you feel like a different job would make you happy, or more money, or greater abilities, or on and on we could go.

All too often, we have convinced ourselves that if just "that one thing" would fall into place, then we'd finally be happy and content. When we're single, we want a spouse. You get the spouse and you want the children. The children come along and you want better behaved children. You can see the problem forming.

For the follower of Christ, this is a serious issue because discontentment basically looks our Savior in the face and says, "What you've done for me isn't enough. Yeah, we've got Christ, but we want more." We wouldn't come right out and say that of course, but our discontent heart screams it.

God, in His sovereign grace, has saved us and redeemed us. He has called us out of darkness and given us, not only eternal life, but an abundant life while we remain on this earth.

Somehow though, the truth of what God has done for us gets choked out by all our wishes and wants for more and better and different. We get frustrated at God because He hasn't done it our way. In the end, we feel like God somehow owes us something.

That's the problem, but what about the solution?

I wish I could wrap this up with a pretty little bow and a remedy for this sin problem. But I can't because I don't have it figured out.

Here's what I do know...the answer is Christ. God's Word tells us {in one of the most misused passages of scripture} that "we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength." This verse in Philippians is not referring to the ability to win a game, or pass a test or sing well. This verse is speaking directly to contentment.

This truth would be very hard to digest if it came from a James Bond-ish character - a man that has the car, the looks, the money, the girl and always wins in the end. "That's easy for you to say, you've got it all!" But let me remind you that this verse was penned from the hand of man in a dark and lonely prison cell. Sobering, huh?

So how does this play out in the life of a Christian? What does it really look like to strive for contentment through Christ?

I don't know exactly. I'm still learning and growing and being sanctified. I do know that contentment won't come naturally. We will have to fight for it. We are constantly bombarded with commercials, ads, billboards and pop-ups telling us that what we have isn't good enough and we need bigger, better and faster.

For me, I have finally realized that things like Pinterest and an OD of blog-world feeds my propensity towards discontentment. I know that may sound absurd to many of you, but it's true for me in a way that probably isn't true for most. Those things stir up feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of "I need that" or "I wish I could do that" or "I want to look like that." To echo the words of one of my favorite hymns, my heart is "prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love."

So I guess, in some peculiar way, my avoidance of Pinterest is part of my fight for contentment!

better than a bitty baby

Every day, I pick up a bundle of energy from Kindergarten. Her name is Ellee and her personality is unmistakeable! Regardless of the fact that I saw her only 3 hours earlier (it's 1/2 day Kindergarten) she runs to me and squeals, "Mommy!!" as though we've been apart for weeks. She leaps into my arms, gives me a bear hug and begins rambling on about her morning.

Every. Single. Day.

And it never gets old!

Yesterday she was particularly bouncy because she had received a special gift from a friend at school and she couldn't wait to show it to me. With great pride, she unclenched her fist and revealed a shiny new quarter. To her, it was a million dollars! She was so excited about this gift from a friend and began making plans for the money as we drove away from the school.

"I could buy some gum from a gum ball machine with it!"

"Or maybe get a toy at the store."

"Mommy, let's buy some Christmas presents with it."

Her ideas swelled and it became more apparent that she really has no comprehension of money and the cost of things around her.

Finally she decided she would save the money and add it to her "American Girl Doll Bitty Baby" fund. She's been saving money since the summer to purchase one when we go to the American Girl Doll store in Atlanta in a few weeks.

"Good choice," I thought - be wise with that money.

Her grand ideas of saving were brought into question quickly as we made a stop at Wal-Mart on our way home. She retrieved the quarter from her backpack and held it tightly in her little hand as we got out of the car.

"Just in case I see something I really want, Mommy."

She began spurting off all these elaborate ideas of what she could do with the money in the store. She was so excited because she was the only one her little friend had given something to! The quarter had made her day!

As we approached the front of the store, we could hear the distinct sound of the Christmas season - the Salvation Army bell ringer! We smiled at each other and without saying a word, we knew what the other was thinking - It's finally Christmas time!

Then something happened that still has me choked up even as I type...

When we got to the front, Ellee let go of my hand and walked right over to the kind man ringing the bell. Without a moment of hesitation or doubt, she joyfully dropped the quarter (which held such a greater value for her) from her white knuckled hand into that red bucket and told the man "Merry Christmas."

My heart welled with emotion and I cried right there standing in Wal-Mart. She grinned at me and said, "Mommy, don't cry. Poor people who don't have anything are more important that Bitty Babies."

"You are right baby girl, you are right."

oh how He loves us

I am moved to tears pretty easily, so to say this video did that doesn't mean a whole lot to those that know me well. I stumbled upon this video yesterday while I was in my kitchen counting out veggie straws. Despite the fact that my sweet son was completely unloading all the cabinets and my precious daughter was singing Christmas songs loudly and dancing all around me, I was left with tears streaming down my face when it was over.

Take a look...



I am still overwhelmed with the greatness of God's love for me.

These are the questions this video has left running through my mind: is the greatness of God's amazing love for me the motivation for what I do? am I so consumed with what Christ has done for me that I find joy in obeying Him? or am I just concerned with an external appearance of obedience?

Then I thought of our three precious kiddos...

Lord, I desperately pray that you will allow Lee and I to accurately teach our children the gospel and about the deep love of Christ and what He has done. I beg you to guard us against raising "pharisees" who have all the right answers but a heart that is far from You. Let us not be so concerned with "morality" from them that we fail to demonstrate the grace that was demonstrated to us on the cross."

Each night during our "family worship time" we pray, sing songs and read a story from the greatest children's devotional book (that we've found!!) ever:
{really - if you are looking for a book to read with/to your kids - this is it!! even i look forward to the story each night!}
One of the lines from last night's story was this, "Jesus loves you with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever kind of love!"

amen.


****************************************

PS...

happy grandparent's day!!!

Somehow, this day slipped past me and I failed to properly acknowledge these very, very special people!!

easy doubts and quick questions

It's been a discouraging day. I cannot say that I wasn't warned. But the discouragement came quickly and hit hard.

This adoption journey has brought an extreme range of emotions and quite a few frustrations. Today I hit one of the low points on the emotional scale and tagging along was frustration at its peak.

We knew, from the beginning, that our greatest obstacle would be finances. We have read about, been counseled on, and heard all the negative comments regarding the challenges of adoption - international adoption in particular. We do not take these potential challenges lightly, but they have never caused us to doubt our desire to adopt or the call God has placed on us to do so. The hurdle that has "tripped us up" is the same hurdle that keeps many families from adopting...the enormous expense that adoption brings.

In the past few days, we've tripped again on the hurdle and I still feel like I'm laying face down on the ground. We found out that we have been denied for yet another adoption grant that would've provided financial assistance. What hurts the most is that this is the 3rd grant that has been "unable to provide assistance at this time."

The frustration this brings is like nothing I've experienced before. Believe me, as a stay-at-home mom and wife of a youth pastor, we've had our share of financial aggravations. But this is different. So very different. The financial frustration of clipping coupons and shopping at consignment stores is nothing like the financial frustration of rescuing an orphan. It is incomparable.

My heart hurts and my mind is racing. The doubts come easily and the questions come quickly.

None the less, we will press on. I am weak, but in my weakness the power of Christ will be made strong. (2 Cor. 12:9) My confidence that the Lord will provide is not based on my emotions, circumstances or a denial letter. My confidence is based upon His Word and unchanging character. He is Jehovah Jireh - the Lord will provide.