the hardest 1st day of school...for this mamma

Every year on the kiddos first day of school, I cry.  I always have.  But then again, I cry easily.  I get it from Mom.

This year was different.  Today was the first day of school for my girls and I haven't just been crying, I've been squalling like a baby.  This year has been difficult because we're new to this town and still feel like strangers.

{I'm sure the tears shed today were ones building up from this "life change" that we've experienced over the past month....today just seemed like a "good" day to let the flood gates open!}

When we walked in to the school this morning, we were greeted by a sea of unfamiliar faces.  I looked around desperately hoping to see someone that I recognized.  Of course I came up short.

I began fighting tears.  You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach and the burning in your nose you get when you're trying to hold back tears?  That's how I immediately felt.

We walked Ellee to her class, met her teacher and got her settled in her chair.

Everything in me wanted to pull the teacher aside and make sure she understood just how important that brown eyed girl with the contagious laugh was.

Instead, I kissed Ellee,  said "I love you" and walked away.

My heart was aching.  I had just left my baby with a total stranger, surrounded by total strangers, in a strange building and she didn't even know where the bathroom was.

And I had to do it again.

We found Addie's teacher and I really wanted to give her the same speech about my precious, sensitive girl that I was "allowing" her to teach for a while.  

But Lee gently led me out the door and into the parking lot.  People looked at my tear streaked face and swollen eyes.  One lady even said, "She'll be ok, I promise."

Lee and I sat in the car and debated on driving away.  Maybe we should just sit there and wait for the day to end.

We drove away.  Why was it so hard to leave those girls?

Hours later, I was still upset and went to see my hubby at work.  He held me while I cried some more and then he read this to me from "The Gospel Coalition" website:

Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,
You are a gift of God to your husband and your kids.
But you don’t always feel that way, do you?
There’s a low-level feeling of guilt that creeps into your heart from time to time. Sometimes it bubbles over into tears, usually on lonely, difficult days.
You scan blogs and read books about being a good mom. You find some helpful tidbits here and there, often from women who are grandmothers now. Women you can learn from but who seem to have forgotten the struggle. They seem to have it all together.
In your heart, you want to be the kind of mom who trains up kids to make a difference for the kingdom. You know it’s an honor to be entrusted with these kids. You know you’ve only got one shot. You want to be the mom who teaches them the Bible, models how to pray, and trains them up in the fear of the Lord.
But most of the time you feel like you’re barely holding it all together.
Your house cleaning can’t keep up with your kids’ mess-making.
The kids embarrass you by acting up right when your guests arrive.
Your husband doesn’t get just how worn out you are by the end of the day.
You come to the end of your patience. You lose your temper. Then you feel worse.
The last thing you consider yourself to be is a “good mom.” And you think to yourself, It’ll be a miracle if my kids turn out okay.And – surprisingly – that’s right where God wants to meet you. The place where you admit your powerlessness and your need for Him.
It’s only by God’s grace that any kid grows up to be a force for the kingdom.
You see, there are no perfect kids and no perfect mothers. No matter what you read in blogs, see in magazines, and learn in books. There are sinful kids and sinful moms and dads.
And the only thing greater than both is the grace of God. The God who says “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The God who loves to forgive, to transform, and empower.
God loves you – not because you are a good mother but just because you are His precious child.
God loves you – not because you’ve mastered all the skills of parenting but because He has.
It’s divine grace that will transform your parenting – not guilt.
It’s grace that will keep you going and serving and scrubbing when you’re exhausted and worn out.
It’s grace that will conquer your feelings of inadequacy and remind you of God’s love for you in Christ.
It’s grace that goes for the heart of your kids, not just their behavior.
God has demonstrated the fullness of His love for you through the cross of His Son, even while you were still a sinner.
He has promised you His presence.
He has spoken His approval over you in Christ.
He is the perfect Father who delights in you as a daughter.
Find in Him your Treasure and Joy. Be to others what He is to you.
So walk in freedom. Let Him hold you together when everything seems to be falling apart.
Bask in His unfailing love for you. And rest in His promise of power.

I'm so thankful that my husband knows how to comfort me when I'm struggling.

He knows to point me to Jesus, the only One that can truly bring comfort and peace when you are feeling desperate and hopeless.

****************

Well, I'm off to pick up my girls.  Yes, I do realize that I'll be about an hour early.  Cut me some slack...at least I didn't sit in the parking lot all day! :)